What Is Love?

Oh, love. The root of all goodness, and evil. Love causes people to create beautiful pieces of art, or write amazing poetry, or compose wonderful music. But it also causes people to be jealous, or be angry, or do horrible things. Deep down, we all strive to find love. We need love (scientifically proven). Love is an essential. And it comes in all forms. Godly love, friendly love, comfortable love, easy-going love. But one of the most terrifying ones would be the unconditional, gut-wrenching, can't-live-without-them love. Right? It is that one person that is yours, and vice versa. Of course, there could be more than one love in our lives, but we only find one true, real, amazing love. But no matter what, love is the thing that keeps our hope alive, dashes our dreams, causes war, builds family, and fuels the world. So, what is love? Love is unexplainable. Nobody will ever be able to answer that question because everybody has their own answer. People have tried to explain it since the beginning of time, but there is no true definition. Love can hurt, love can heal, love can blind, love can make you see. Love is amazing. It makes us want to be better people. There isn't one person in the world that doesn't deserve love. Everybody needs it, and wants it. Love is universal.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
-Mother Theresa

Fake facades faking smiles

Happiness. It's what we all want, what we all desire so much to have. But it's so hard to come by, and it can be snatched away within seconds. It's a delicate thing. Before the past few months, I couldn't remember the last time I was happy, the last time I felt good. I was so down and out. I felt like I had struck out in the bottom of the ninth and there was no turning back. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone. I felt used and abused, and by that point, I was done. I gave up on everything. I let my dreams escape me, I forgot who I was, and I just stopped believing in everything: myself, others, and God. But I was good. I kept a facade up that showed people that nothing was wrong. I told people every day that I was happy and that nothing was wrong. I guess they never asked the right question, or I would have spilled my guts. At first, I cried myself to sleep for the longest time because I was just so angry and scared of everything, I don't know why. But eventually, by the beginning of my senior year, I was just numb. I felt nothing. I didn't have happiness, or anger, or sadness anymore; I had nothing. My emotions were stripped from me, and thrown away. I had given up on everything, I felt worthless, and I still had on my mask of fake smiles and artificial happiness. But I met someone that I can honestly say helped change my life. He was so irritating because he was happy, and it just radiated off of him. He never frowned or said a negative thing. It made me want to hate him, but I couldn't, I wanted to know why. Why he was the way he is. What made him so happy and joyful about life. That's when he invited me to his church, and I said yes. Something inside of me said that it would be worth it.
That Friday night changed my life. I met people that, even though I was new, accepted me for who I was. And that night, I met God again. It changed my outlook on life and it changed the way I viewed myself. Of course, it took more than one night, and it's still a work in progress. But I can honestly say that I shed some of my cracking layers that night, and ever since then I've been shedding more. The true me is becoming more visible, and I'm starting to realize that I was always good enough. I am perfect beyond all doubt because God made me this way. I will always be the perfect me, especially to Him. I still have moments of doubt about myself, but not the way it used to be. He is always there because when I doubt and when I'm low, He always shows me the light within myself and He always helps me back up.

Keep that chin up,
That smile on your face.
Because you never know whose watching,
Who will see through your fake facade.
Don't forget your normal reply: I'm fine.
One day it will be true,
You will be okay in time.

Pain Is Better Than Nothing, Right?

PAIN IS NOT BETTER THAN NOTHING! Let me tell you. I feel like my arm is going to fall off. It is NOT pleasant. I don't know what's wrong with my should/shoulder blade, but it hurts. I have been in pain before, I mean, I was an accident prone child, but I have never been in this type of pain. It's like a dull, throbbing, constant, make me want to throw up pain. It's fun. Really, it is. It's really, really fun when I have to work too. Man, hauling those groceries around and dealing with annoying people just makes it all better. (I hope you can catch my sarcasm...) I took two extra strength Tylenol this morning, four Ibuprofen at two, two extra strength Exedrin at three, and another Excedrin at about four. I am NOT a pill popper. Usually.

Anyways. To the real news of the day. I have decided to enter a poetry contest. It's called: Poetic Voices. I'm pretty effing excited. I think I have a good chance at winning. And this is not MY conceited-ness, it's my friend's and family's. They all tell me that I'm really good, sometimes I don't believe them. But I'm now going to prove it to myself that I'm good or not good. : ) I'm excited.

I have a lot to do. LIST:
1) Four page research paper for English
2) BIG Chem project
3) BIG Spanish project
4) Catch up on Algebra...not good to fail a college credit class, Leanna.
5) Manage Newspaper stress. Woo!
6) Find time to go to work and to eat, sleep, and shower.

My week shall be exciting. Thanks for reading my complaints of the day.

I need to catch up on quotes. Here's a few:

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
- Leon J. Suenes

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:7-8

Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It's too high!
Come to the edge!
And they came,
and he pushed,
and they flew.
- Christopher Logue

If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress. - Barack Obama

Never Realized

I never realized how bad I'm doing in school and life. Ha. Seriously, though. I need to straighten up in school. And I just need different types of people to be around. Bad influences are not good, as they have told me for the past 12 years of school...

I never realized how emotional I am. I'm NOT bi-polar by any means, but if somebody says something or does something, doesn't matter what, it can change my mood in .00002 seconds.

I never realized how much I like to blog until recently. If I could, I would TOTALLY make it a career. But I'm sure that I can't and I would much rather be a High School English teacher. Wooo.

I never realized how organized I am. I mean, you couldn't tell that I am if you walked into my room at this moment, but with everything else I'm completely organized.

I never realized how much writing helps. Do I need to say anything about that?

I never realized just how much inspiration Jason Mraz puts into his songs until recently.

I never realized...

Nothing to Fear, But Fear Itself

I fear that I will fail.
I fear that I will be alone.
I fear that I will lose the people I care about most.
I just fear.

Fear is the thing that drives us to do better. We can either be held back by fear or we can be pushed forward by it. Fear is a force that shouldn't be played with. It is dangerous and uncaring. We, as humans, thrive off of fear. We need it to survive. There is no such thing as "fearless." I nkow that I have many fears. I can be very paranoid. But I wouldn't be who I am without them and I don't let them run my life. Ad without fear there is no success or dive or need or want or epic failures. Without fear there is nothing.

The Running Emotions

Once again, I'm sorry for not writing in a long time. Time has been scarce lately. It has gone by so fast, I feel like I'm losing part of my life. Anyways, on to my blog.

Lately, my stomach has been filled with butterflies and it has been doing gymnastics. Of course it's only when I see a certain boy or talk to another certain boy. It's rather annoying. I don't want to feel like I'm going to hurl every time I see a boy that I have feelings for or every time I just talk to a boy (over the phone) that I have feelings for. It is not fun.

Another thing is that I am the champion of bottling up emotions and tucking them away in a corner of my mind until one day I just blow a gasket. If somebody makes me mad, I don't tell them. If somebody upsets me, I try to not show it. Lately it has been getting harder for some reason. It's getting harder to shove my emotions aside and be a statuesque Leanna. It isn't easy at all. The only thing that is keeping me from going completely insane is Jason Mraz and writing. Honest to God. No joke. Maybe it isn't only Jason Mraz, but good music in general. But he is still the number one best artist on my list.

Stress is also ranked high on my list of emotions to eventually deal with. I haven't officially dealt with having a job, having hard classes in school, looking at colleges, preparing for the ACT, and having time for family and friends. I'm not good at multitasking. It brings out the worst in me.

But no matter what, I'll live because tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new me. Tomorrow is the start of the rest of my life. So I don't have time to sit back and stress over the little things.

-Leanna